I am in this crowd, submerged in a sea of hundred if not thousand faces; everywhere I look there are people, people everywhere; yet it felt like I am on my own, like I am not a part of them, part of the world, part of anything. Just about anything could make me cry; only thing is that I am extremely good at holding them back. I have built this huge dam and I am not willing to let this river flow. No, I would never show weakness, never! I am strong, but I must admit I feel weaker than an infant; I am bold, but I shy away at the mere thought of you.
Everything else seem to be so overwhelming, and I’d lose my breath; I keep on walking but I know not where; my brain seem to cease its work, only my feet are in motion and I am unaware of where they take me. Then a seemingly quiet place I rest my gluteus, only to find out, as I raise my head,that I have been sitting on a roadside very much like that poor beggar I helped just the other day.
I saw you today and I flinched, and I hid, and then I ran,as fast as these pathetic heels would carry me. What was I so afraid of? Why am I hiding? I am not to be ashamed. I did no wrong. But I still ran. And I still ran because you see, it was too much for me to see your face that once loved me more than anything in this world; and I believed that because you said it yourself; but now it wouldn’t smile for me. I wonder, afraid to know who you’re smiling for now, yet restless to know who.
It was a good morning when I cheerfully woke up and I thought the pain was gone. I seemed awake than the rest of the days that passed like they were nightmares. And then breakfast happens, and of all the occasions I had to remember you, you! My stomach fell and my taste buds refused to work. My throat suddenly narrows and not a grain of rice could pass. I felt like crying then and there, but I wouldn’t show a single tear in front of family.
What is a man to do when mornings hold no reason for the day? What is a man to do when the messages that awaits and gladdens the wakening ceases to deliver? I look at my phone every morning to see it empty and quiet like it lost its voice to holler me a ringtone. I know it was only a couple of months and I am probably overreacting, but I know what it felt like and I had just enough time to have fallen in love with you.
It is not a beautiful life when it hurts just before you sleep and it restarts as soon as you wake up in the morning. Why can’t this just go away? It’s been seven months now, seven months! This is insane! Yet here I am. I don’t even know what I am doing here. Where am I? What have I done to myself? What have I done to that beautiful relationship we had? The sun sets. Where now is the sunrise? I see dark clouds. But there is no silver lining. No showers of blessing. No rainbows. Just thick, dark, cold clouds everywhere.
Energy I lack, motivation I lack, I am deficient of hope, life and laughter; because you see, all these things come in a package, and that package is you my love, YOU. I miss you so much it hurts my very core.
26 August 2014