Stages of Grief: 4. Depression

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   I am in this crowd, submerged in a sea of hundred if not  thousand faces; everywhere I look there are people, people everywhere; yet it  felt like I am on my own, like I am not a part of them, part of the world, part  of anything. Just about anything could make me cry; only thing is that I am  extremely good at holding them back. I have built this huge dam and I am not  willing to let this river flow. No, I would never show weakness, never! I am  strong, but I must admit I feel weaker than an infant; I am bold, but I shy away  at the mere thought of you.

   Everything else seem to be so overwhelming, and I’d lose my  breath; I keep on walking but I know not where; my brain seem to cease its  work, only my feet are in motion and I am unaware of where they take me. Then a  seemingly quiet place I rest my gluteus, only to find out, as I raise my head,that I have been sitting on a roadside very much like that poor beggar I helped  just the other day.

   I saw you today and I flinched, and I hid, and then I ran,as fast as these pathetic heels would carry me. What was I so afraid of? Why am  I hiding? I am not to be ashamed. I did no wrong. But I still ran. And I still  ran because you see, it was too much for me to see your face that once loved me  more than anything in this world; and I believed that because you said it yourself;  but now it wouldn’t smile for me. I wonder, afraid to know who you’re smiling  for now, yet restless to know who.

   It was a good morning when I cheerfully woke up and I thought  the pain was gone. I seemed awake than the rest of the days that passed like  they were nightmares. And then breakfast happens, and of all the occasions I had  to remember you, you! My stomach fell and my taste buds refused to work. My throat  suddenly narrows and not a grain of rice could pass. I felt like crying then and  there, but I wouldn’t show a single tear in front of family.

   What is a man to do when mornings hold no reason for the  day? What is a man to do when the messages that awaits and gladdens the wakening  ceases to deliver? I look at my phone every morning to see it empty and quiet  like it lost its voice to holler me a ringtone. I know it was only a couple of  months and I am probably overreacting, but I know what it felt like and I had  just enough time to have fallen in love with you.

   It is not a beautiful life when it hurts just before you  sleep and it restarts as soon as you wake up in the morning. Why can’t this  just go away? It’s been seven months now, seven months! This is insane! Yet here  I am. I don’t even know what I am doing here. Where am I? What have I done to  myself? What have I done to that beautiful relationship we had? The sun sets. Where  now is the sunrise? I see dark clouds. But there is no silver lining. No showers  of blessing. No rainbows. Just thick, dark, cold clouds everywhere.

   Energy I lack, motivation I lack, I am deficient of hope, life and laughter; because you see, all these things come in a package, and that package is you my love, YOU. I miss you so much it hurts my very core.

26 August 2014
0134 hours

Stages of Grief: 3. Bargaining

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   Come back, please come back! Tell me, what have I done; or,  what have I not done? Is it something I did? Or is it something I failed to do?  Is it the way I walk? Is it the way I talk? Is it just being me? Have I misconduct  myself? Tell me; please just tell me where did I go wrong to have lost you this  bad? How can you leave someone you stared at the face with all content  completely in just a matter of one lousy break-up conversation? What right can  I make?

   Have you forgotten how you felt back then? You see, I can’t  forget how you made me feel. Isn’t there any chance that you haven’t forgotten  all the things you said you felt? Isn’t there any chance that you remember how  you once felt for me, and maybe feel that again? I refuse to believe that all those  feelings would just be gone in a matter of not even weeks but days.

   What can I do to make  this right again? What can I do to have you back again? Tell me, tell me and I  would do anything, anything! I worked through my schedule because I was afraid  I wouldn’t be able to give enough time for you; I would re-work through any  schedule if you only would give me a chance. Any kind of displeasure you have  of me I would change it and change it over again till it would honor you.  Anything I did shameful, though I cannot erase, I would rectify and do a  hundred others just so you feel good again.

   Have I broken your heart? Have I bruised you  unintentionally? Have I scoured your feelings? All I have done, and all that I  am willing to do, and everything else there is to; nothing in the world would I  allow to leave not a scratch on you. Mine is not so beautiful as compared to  yours when you smile, mine is not even half alluring as your beautiful  physique; but my heart is pure, and this is my one pride. I know what I feel  for you, and I know that these feelings are true. If anything else fails, if anything  else I am not even a competition to the more attractive world, but I know that no  other soul will love you as much as mine does.

   I did my best, I swear! I trusted you, I had not a single  wrong notion of your being; no, not in the slightest of sense. And in the  greatest of sense, my ever-aching heart longs for your presence, your smile the  most beautiful of all; I ache for you, please, come back home.

Sunday, August 24, 2014
2109 hours

Stages of Grief: 2. Anger

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   How could you do this to me? You’re a liar, bitch! I could draw  a million angry faces and it wouldn’t suffice. We both promised each other that  we wouldn’t break hearts; how could you break mine so easily? And you didn’t even  flinch. No fight, no drama, no pre-announcement; you just said the word and  that’s it; how could you? Have you no respect? Am I that pathetic? Did I not  deserve some explanation? Am I nothing at all?

   How is your new boyfriend? Or is it ‘was’ already? Do you  flip sides in just a matter of seconds? Are you this flimsy? Do you really just  go to whatever your latest desire land? Do you do magic, that one second you  made me feel the best and the next you make me feel like garbage? Are you  really this cold-hearted? As much as I would like to deny that you are a bitch,  I am still waiting for the heavens to prove me otherwise.

   Why do I even bother? It’s been the same routine, the same  initial bliss, followed by the same ‘something-is-not-right’ sensation, and  finally the same ‘just-as-I-feared’ event. Stupid shit happens over and over  again. And here I am, lamenting the obvious, the old and the pathetic for a  thousandth time now. You might ask me ‘is it not time you get over the sick  bush and improve for real?’, I would tell you ‘I feel exactly the same’. But again, here I still am, pathetic  as ever.

   At times I get mad, when I think of it in a certain manner. “It’s  not fair” “This shouldn’t be happening to me”… so on and so forth. For once I  want to get the eff out of this shit and grow up. For once I would sure hell  like to move on. Six months now and here I am, pathetically broken,  pathetically hurt, and pathetically angry. What the eff have I been doing here?  This is one effing situation I get myself into.

   No, no hateful emails from me. This is the least I can do to  maintain my sanity. I don’t need any support. I can get through this, I will. It  will take time. I will get angry. I will get mad. But I am going to make it. I promise.

Dated 13 August 2014
0135 hours

Stages of Grief: 1. Denial

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   I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. This is not  happening to me. It was barely two months and you can’t change your mind too soon. It was only during our second last conversation you said about your comfy zone and I was already thinking along that line. Most relationship ends when both sides got no fighting cause; you didn’t even give me a fighting chance! Any kind of feelings can’t end too soon. It could get deteriorated and finally disappear, but not like this; not overnight.

   I refuse to believe that I am nothing to you. I refuse to belief that all those times were of nothing to you, that you don’t remember the good times; that you’re not affected by the affections we had. Please do not make me remind you that it was you who noticed me.

   It was you who took note of me in my apron with a small stethoscope heading towards the out-patient department that fateful morning, and I was looking at nobody and noticed no one around me. It wasn’t me who was responsible for whatever happened after I accepted that stupid friend request. It wasn’t me who was determined to get me. I never had so much peace, confidence and yet now a breakdown in my life. I never knew I could be so loved, I never knew I could be so rejected by the same.

   What did I do wrong? Where is my mistake? When did I provoke you? Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Or was it something I did not? Was it me? Was it the way I talk? Was it the way I walk? Did I not smile enough? Did I laugh too much? Had I not given you enough attention? Did I neglect you? Was it my busy schedule? Was it my livelihood? Was it my job? Was it my family? Was it just me? Where did I go wrong?

   I believed everything you said, from what you said when you claimed to be busy to the times when you just don’t feel like chatting. And I understand; I force myself to even when I don’t. I trusted you, except when you told me you wanted to wrap things up. My system could just not register that final piece of information. I found it hard to believe you loved me, and now I find it hard to believe that you don’t.

   I refuse to talk myself into thinking that you are a  scumbag, a good-for-nothing bitch who went in and goes out heartlessly. I have nothing but good thoughts of you; I did, and is still doing it. But that is the exact thing that drives me insane. You see, what I thought of you, and what you’re making of me just doesn’t add up.

   I do not want to label this as love because it is just one-sided now, yet I can’t label it as fowl-play. I just can’t get myself to thinking that you are as heartless as it seems to appear. You are but a cruel angel to my hollowed heart.

Dated 12 August 2014
0017 hours

You

   What is this that keeps me holding on even though I do know so clearly that nothing good would ever come out of it? What is this that made me make myself so miserable even though there is no reward for the misery no matter how harsh I am upon myself? Why am I in such denial when the obvious is staring at me at point blank range?

   Why do I keep wearing it when I know so clearly that it’s never going to bring you back? After all, it is just a metallic cylindrical material that encircles one of my fingers which without you have no meaning at all; no meaning, no life, no purpose, just a cold, solid metal and a painful reminder of how much I miss you.

   I do not understand a thing about what in the world is happened. The more I think about it, the deeper my confusion goes. I kept telling myself I’m going to be fine, the next moment I realized I kept lying to myself  then and there, every single moment. Why is it that I can’t kill this false  hope hoping that you would just come back? Something is definitely wrong with  me.

   The best way I can describe, is that my mind knows that you left me in the  most cold-hearted manner, but my heart completely and repeatedly denies that. I  let it play through my head so many, many, many, many times but it just doesn’t register;  I am incapable of accepting the fact that you are no different.

   I miss so many things in life. I miss that smile, the  confidence, I miss having someone out there who misses me the same as I do. I miss  that regular good-night kiss that never gets boring, I miss waking up in the  morning and the first thing I see would be a text message, not just any text  message but your text message.

   I have never seen a smile as beautiful as that  smile, just thinking about it now makes me happy and sad at the same time. Who would  believe that you would change your mind knowing the way you used to clung on to me? Who  would have even guessed that? But it still happened, and I’m still in denial.

   It’s almost three months now, and here I am, still as  miserable as ever. Sometimes I wish that if only I get to get you to talk, at  the same time I’m freaking scared that that might happen; and then I thought it’s  so stupid to ever have that kind of thought in my head because neither is going  to happen even if it’s the end of the world!

   I have never been so loved, and at  the same time so rejected as did by you.

Sixth

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   I still remember what we were taught in science subject when we were really young: the five senses – the senses of sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch. Eyes to see, ears to hear, mouth to taste, nose to smell and a whole surface of sensitive skin. These are the main senses that help us live our daily life the way we do; we see things so that we can discern, we hear to know what we should discern, our noses tell us what is wrong or what is right, our mouth tell us what to eat, we feel to tell if we are in the right place or if we are clothing ourselves accordingly. And in unison, all these senses corroborate to tell us almost everything that surrounds us and the how’s, why’s, where’s and what’s of our being at a place, at a time each moment that we are. At a higher level of studies we learn that all these senses are governed and directed by a higher center: the brain, which is capable of even more complex work to make us who we are: humans.

   But human life is way more complicated than just these five senses and a brain that controls them. We are capable of emotions. We ‘hurt’ without any physical trauma, we are ‘blind’ to certain things that are clearly visible, we are ‘deaf’ to words spoken out loud, and offensive smells are at times directive, we are ‘numb’ to torture if for a particular cause. We basically defy the very senses that help us live to survive, or rather, is it that there is another sense that works in complete contradiction to these five senses? Often we see things that are not there, hear them speak, smell their familiar odor, tastes them and feel their touch but they are not there!

   It happened to me many times now, I couldn’t see a single flaw on that face which gave the most beautiful smile I ever saw, friends talk of ‘rotten seed’ but it just doesn’t enter my inner ears, I still vividly remember that smell when we’d held each other, and at times I can almost feel that touch across my skin, my mouth knows too well how that kiss tastes. I feel love. I fell in love with someone, a human being, whom I can touch, see, smell, taste and hear. It is so easy, that extra sense in me that made my heart beat faster, that made my chest feel hurt, and that gave me butterflies in my tummy just by the thought alone. And I can make promises I can keep because I can see to it that it happens. Sometimes I don’t even need to open my eyes, all I have to do is hug, close my eyes, and feel everything then and there.

   But to err is human. People find it so hard to love each other. People almost always break promises to each other. Love they can see, smell, hear, taste and touch yet they cheat, lie and adulterate all the time. Promises made to other people and none bother kept even though they see them every single day! So the thought goes on; how can you claim to love God whom you can’t see, hear, touch, taste or feel when you can’t even love your own fellow human who is just beside you? How do you plan to keep promises to God when you can’t even keep a single promise to a fellow human who you can see every day?

1 John 4:20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.

8 Feb 2014

Serenity

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   They say you can’t end up with your true love, well for most people if not all. True love or not life has a wicked way of tearing us apart from the ones we desire the most, and the crazy part is it used our own hyper-emotional state of heart to make us either excessively annoying or the other person extremely suspicious. On second thought, I guess it is not true love but rather a search for satisfaction in seeking sensual inspiration often in the least attractive, at least least attractive to the general population, ones.

   Romance starts with a spark, that flames up in the depths of our heart and burns like wild fire. The commencement of a relationship is often the best part that never would be attained again in the future. The zenith of the conditional love created between two people is usually the dawn of it, before we get to know each other, before any complication crops, while we were blind and brave. The first step of an adventure is exciting, full of energy and little bumps and falls are easily skipped over and laughed off. The rough waves of a small tide are actually fun when it rocks the boat that we aboard the sea on. The sun is shining and there is not a speck of cloud in the sky.

   But it is human to tire and exhaust. The first few winds become struggle. The next climb gets tougher, seemingly steeper and the blame game starts. The self-righteous soul is in control and it is but a bad master. For the decent few, insults of a few may be well tolerated but then it gets difficult even for the meek to endure all the way and all the time. Rather, it is impossible. And it doesn’t help to finally lose control of subsiding all the pent up anger and frustrations. Insult starts to fly with the wild wind, multi-directional and slapping across faces in the most indecent manner. Love, is not love at all, considering the way when such claim is easily clouded by anger, frustration, hurt, pride, ego, and the list goes on. A storm is inevitable, and the storm did come.

   There is no say of civilization under the horrendous storm. All hands on deck, but every touchdown has a feedback that made it seem earlier moments look better. Fights after fights, each fight brewing more hurt and pain, each more hideous than the preceding ones. There is no way the ship can be of any help in such a storm, and so we abandon ship. But the storm does not easily go away, and every break-up does not immediately put an end to all the misery. The hurt goes on, as the storm kept on thrashing the sea, like it is about to disembowel it, if it should have any bowel that is. The pain lingers like the contractions of an expecting mother, it aches, it subsides, it aches again, each contraction goes harder, each pain hurts more. Melancholy drives you insane, like you might just lose your mind, and sometimes you do. Actions untold of, reasons uncalled for, stupid deeds with no explanation at all, more embarrassing moments, more hurt.

   It is not for the heart to thrive in a storm or to be strikened by hurt all the time, it tires out. The fight for something thought of value dies if it does not give a favorable outcome. You can’t win all fights, very true; so sometimes the heart got to lose. There comes a time when everything that has been held dear is just a hopeless nothing, a useless, formless void that does not stand for anything. No more screams, no more cries, no more tries, just silence. All you want to do is sit quietly all by yourself and void yourself of anything that might even in the slightest manner creep into your thoughts. You feel drained, exhausted and completely empty. There is no good nor bad that is left in you. No news can strike you, there is no bad news that’s too bad, there is no good news that’s exciting. Anything and everything is a ‘whatever’.

   In a way, nothing can hurt you anymore. The storm has died out, and the sea is as clear as ever. The clouds have parted and the sky is clearer than the sea that reflected it. Numbed, nothing can hurt you anymore because you really don’t care and it doesn’t really matter. What happen or will happen is not going to change anything nor is it going to bring anyone back. Indifferent, nothing can get your attention. The world is just a fancy materialization of dreams that does not really come true, just another false alarm, trickery and all lies. And with time, gentle breeze and soft tide, you just sail along and mindlessly aboard any ship that would pick you up.

   The spark that became a wild fire dimmed down to that of a lighthouse, from lighthouse to a flaming torch, from torch to a candle. Candle flame flickers down to that of a matchstick, to ember and to darkness. A cold hard darkness that once used to be a wonderful glow of warmth and life, a
forest fire, a lighthouse.

   I think I almost got the point why we can’t settle down with our true love. We get emotional, we get jealous, we get fussy and the list goes on. It is stressful, we hurt too much, like we are in a storm. But when we lose hope and the storm subsides, when nothing can hurt because we are numb, when nothing can attract us because we are not interested, that is when we are finally ready to settle down, our serenity.

12 May 2013
4.50PM

Abhorrenciopologia

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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Lecherous is what defines you
Entrapped in your own facade
Tricked me in your world so blue
Adulterer, that’s you, retard!

Try as you may mine heart to win
Might as well you dream of a chance
Attracted I cannot, for you I despise.

Mine heart reached out, could you be the one?
Allowing myself that slip of weakness
Laid down my heart, watched you for a while
Alas you are, nothing but cheap wine.

Found you in life, in hope, in love
Kissed you but gently, ever was I caring
Ashamed but I am, for ever knowing you.

Resentful I am, for Enchanted I was
Unaware I was, Believed you I did
Extenuate you better not, your vile affairs
Never would I fall for such a harlot again.

Kindness and comfort, for me you displayed
In you I found, both sense and sensuality
My biggest mistake, to pushed you away
Angry you may, blame you I wouldn’t.

Justified I am, against your undoing
Engulfed I was, in your fake love
Redemption I fought, Rejoice I did not
You are but a fraud, wretched and rotten.

Thus wed thee

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Thursday, January 24, 2013

(dedicated to Mr. Lalthantluanga, written on the eve of one of the most important moment of his life, upon which fate be generous, days be kind and God forbid any sense of misfortune befall him)

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone;
I will make him a helper as his partner.”

   Man is a social animal. No one can live without the other; we all need each other in one way or the other, some way or the other. We start our life with family to support us, then we have friends, and then some intimate ones, finally ending up with a partner for life, and we go right back to where we started, family; the fated circle of life.

   What is love? Everybody has his own answer. While for some a blossoming garden, for others it has spelled doom for more valiant men and lovely, capable women. It is not just a feeling; it is that treasure, that elixir, that manna, the life force of a relationship that holds every other emotional force in its power. To accept without exception, to hope without expect; to endure without complaining, to trust without doubt; to reason but never to judge, and to hold each other with no more second thoughts.

   There is only so much that one can say from this side of the boat, only so much that second degree voices can make. Thus I remind myself not to judge but to be compassionate, not sneer but to smile, not to wound but to heal, if things should turn out the least way expected.

   Each one of us is the sum total of every moment we’ve ever experienced, with all the people we’ve ever known. And it’s these moments that become our history, like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again. These moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity, of total physical, mental, and every other kind of love; these moments of impact define who we are.

   To help him love his life, to always hold him with tenderness, to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they’re not; to agree, to disagree; to live within the warmth of his heart and always call it home.

   To love her in all her forms, to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love, to always know in the deepest part of his soul that no matter what challenge might carry them apart, they’ll always find a way back to each other.

   Thus wed thee.

Angel-Michel-Andy

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I survived a dreadful accident…

   Actually it wasn’t as ‘dreadful’ as it may sound. Just a single gave-away of my already weakened ankle and a full flight down the marble staircase, a left-sided slide and three very obvious swellings that led me to cry out in agony. But I have never been more grateful of such a painful encounter as I am to this one.

   I must have made quite a stumbling thudding noise that my siblings sharpened their ears to it, and didn’t waste a second when they heard me cry out in pain. Before I can even start to think thoroughly about what happened and how am I to deal with it I was crowded by an eminently yet contrastingly comforting figures I have ever unexpectedly yet undeniably true to have undoubtedly come to my rescue: my two sisters and my little brother.

   Sure I have had encountered a more life-threatening accident before, and I had a bigger crowd then, but not this type of comfort. Rather, far from it. My little brother, who by age is far younger but in no way is anymore ‘little’ now that he’s grown physically bigger, held me up from my dreadful position at the bottom of the stairs. My two sisters in awe fear and freak rambled for aid, lit up the staircase and actually pulled a humor out of my pathetic fall and turned the whole event into a moment of levity. I simply gritted my teeth and managed a laugh too; after all, it was all too funny in a way.

The high speed collision gave a new sense of sight to me…

   It wasn’t a ‘high’ speed even though it felt like it occurred in a flash, and there wasn’t any real collision either, it was just me. But it really did give me a new sense of sight!

   I have always loved my sisters and brother more than anything in this world. Family is dear to me. And I have always been top dog in the family, so everything was just a give-give for me. But accidents such as this, that placed me for a moment there in the position of ‘fragile’ and ‘in need’ opened my eyes to the side of the family that never caught my attention.

   My little brother has grown stronger than ever to lift me up when I cannot move and support me to my now limping feet, is now no longer ‘little’. My sisters have been enabled to act upon the need of the hour with a gift of humor to lessen the pain. And as I sat there on my bed, my sister gone out to tend to her part time job; I just sat there waiting, longing for her to come and wrap up my sprained ankle.

   I can’t express it enough, and I’m running out of vocabulary, poor as mine is, to express that feeling, that emotion which ran through my senses as my beloved siblings gathered around to pick up a dreadful fallen me from the floor. I tell you, I have never felt love so great and pleasant as that moment gave me. It truly is pure love that empowers the invisible cords that bind siblings together.

   Everyone here in this world, in our search for love that’s worth giving up everything, we dealt with love of friends, of romantic relationships: boyfriends and girlfriends, colleagues and so many others. And in my own experiences and encounters, I have concluded that everyone else is just a selfish version of who they want to be; and like a song said, the rest of us are just like ‘northern stars’, insignificant and used.

   Love that runs in a family, among blood siblings, that cared, that sacrificed, that weeps, and that rebukes yet loves all the more. I guess these accidents that happen, are actually safety valves for the human soul, that we may not lose our ways and to help remind us of true love that was and has always been there right in front of us.