How could you do this to me? You’re a liar, bitch! I could draw a million angry faces and it wouldn’t suffice. We both promised each other that we wouldn’t break hearts; how could you break mine so easily? And you didn’t even flinch. No fight, no drama, no pre-announcement; you just said the word and that’s it; how could you? Have you no respect? Am I that pathetic? Did I not deserve some explanation? Am I nothing at all?
How is your new boyfriend? Or is it ‘was’ already? Do you flip sides in just a matter of seconds? Are you this flimsy? Do you really just go to whatever your latest desire land? Do you do magic, that one second you made me feel the best and the next you make me feel like garbage? Are you really this cold-hearted? As much as I would like to deny that you are a bitch, I am still waiting for the heavens to prove me otherwise.
Why do I even bother? It’s been the same routine, the same initial bliss, followed by the same ‘something-is-not-right’ sensation, and finally the same ‘just-as-I-feared’ event. Stupid shit happens over and over again. And here I am, lamenting the obvious, the old and the pathetic for a thousandth time now. You might ask me ‘is it not time you get over the sick bush and improve for real?’, I would tell you ‘I feel exactly the same’. But again, here I still am, pathetic as ever.
At times I get mad, when I think of it in a certain manner. “It’s not fair” “This shouldn’t be happening to me”… so on and so forth. For once I want to get the eff out of this shit and grow up. For once I would sure hell like to move on. Six months now and here I am, pathetically broken, pathetically hurt, and pathetically angry. What the eff have I been doing here? This is one effing situation I get myself into.
No, no hateful emails from me. This is the least I can do to maintain my sanity. I don’t need any support. I can get through this, I will. It will take time. I will get angry. I will get mad. But I am going to make it. I promise.
Dated 13 August 2014