Stages of Grief: 2. Anger

anger

   How could you do this to me? You’re a liar, bitch! I could draw  a million angry faces and it wouldn’t suffice. We both promised each other that  we wouldn’t break hearts; how could you break mine so easily? And you didn’t even  flinch. No fight, no drama, no pre-announcement; you just said the word and  that’s it; how could you? Have you no respect? Am I that pathetic? Did I not  deserve some explanation? Am I nothing at all?

   How is your new boyfriend? Or is it ‘was’ already? Do you  flip sides in just a matter of seconds? Are you this flimsy? Do you really just  go to whatever your latest desire land? Do you do magic, that one second you  made me feel the best and the next you make me feel like garbage? Are you  really this cold-hearted? As much as I would like to deny that you are a bitch,  I am still waiting for the heavens to prove me otherwise.

   Why do I even bother? It’s been the same routine, the same  initial bliss, followed by the same ‘something-is-not-right’ sensation, and  finally the same ‘just-as-I-feared’ event. Stupid shit happens over and over  again. And here I am, lamenting the obvious, the old and the pathetic for a  thousandth time now. You might ask me ‘is it not time you get over the sick  bush and improve for real?’, I would tell you ‘I feel exactly the same’. But again, here I still am, pathetic  as ever.

   At times I get mad, when I think of it in a certain manner. “It’s  not fair” “This shouldn’t be happening to me”… so on and so forth. For once I  want to get the eff out of this shit and grow up. For once I would sure hell  like to move on. Six months now and here I am, pathetically broken,  pathetically hurt, and pathetically angry. What the eff have I been doing here?  This is one effing situation I get myself into.

   No, no hateful emails from me. This is the least I can do to  maintain my sanity. I don’t need any support. I can get through this, I will. It  will take time. I will get angry. I will get mad. But I am going to make it. I promise.

Dated 13 August 2014
0135 hours

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When I first saw you
I was scared to talk to you;
When I first talked to you
I was scared to fall for you;
But then I realized I already fell
Right from the first moment, anyone can tell.
Then I’d opt for a safer ground
That’s when I befriended you.

Years later we’d meet again
Was there anything I’d lose or gain?
Was it playful or intended?
I wished not ever to vend;
Never have a kiss so sweet
Ever has shaken me off my feet.
Then I’d decide to step into the unknown
That’s when I thought I had you.

For the first time I want to make it last
For the first time I want to be the first
But I guess this is not my time
And I forgot all my lines
Maybe I don’t have what it takes
And I don’t know how to fake
Then I no longer know to go round
That’s how I met my fear, I’m losing you

Time will heal most of the pain
But it’s the scars that will always remain
Never will I take your heart to break
My own I’ll keep instead at stake
Living, I will try my best to mend
Dying, I shall never take your heart to rend
Then at last I would have found
That my heart dies, screaming “I love you”.