Stages of Grief: 2. Anger

anger

   How could you do this to me? You’re a liar, bitch! I could draw  a million angry faces and it wouldn’t suffice. We both promised each other that  we wouldn’t break hearts; how could you break mine so easily? And you didn’t even  flinch. No fight, no drama, no pre-announcement; you just said the word and  that’s it; how could you? Have you no respect? Am I that pathetic? Did I not  deserve some explanation? Am I nothing at all?

   How is your new boyfriend? Or is it ‘was’ already? Do you  flip sides in just a matter of seconds? Are you this flimsy? Do you really just  go to whatever your latest desire land? Do you do magic, that one second you  made me feel the best and the next you make me feel like garbage? Are you  really this cold-hearted? As much as I would like to deny that you are a bitch,  I am still waiting for the heavens to prove me otherwise.

   Why do I even bother? It’s been the same routine, the same  initial bliss, followed by the same ‘something-is-not-right’ sensation, and  finally the same ‘just-as-I-feared’ event. Stupid shit happens over and over  again. And here I am, lamenting the obvious, the old and the pathetic for a  thousandth time now. You might ask me ‘is it not time you get over the sick  bush and improve for real?’, I would tell you ‘I feel exactly the same’. But again, here I still am, pathetic  as ever.

   At times I get mad, when I think of it in a certain manner. “It’s  not fair” “This shouldn’t be happening to me”… so on and so forth. For once I  want to get the eff out of this shit and grow up. For once I would sure hell  like to move on. Six months now and here I am, pathetically broken,  pathetically hurt, and pathetically angry. What the eff have I been doing here?  This is one effing situation I get myself into.

   No, no hateful emails from me. This is the least I can do to  maintain my sanity. I don’t need any support. I can get through this, I will. It  will take time. I will get angry. I will get mad. But I am going to make it. I promise.

Dated 13 August 2014
0135 hours

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At the altar

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   2130 hours December 2011. As I was sitting there among the many crowds, waiting for the year to end, waiting for the last moment before God for the last time this year; I was numb-struck about what I’d say, what I’d pray for, altogether being grateful for the past 364 days, grateful for the 365th day. Shameful for the errs, grateful for the blessings, and surprisingly calm as ever.

    Then came the Altar Service, the call for the congregation to have one last prayer, and I waiting for few among the sudden mass of crowd that rushed forwards to finish their prayers. My thoughts for prayer were mostly focused on the many blessings that I received during the year, and one, a plea. An earnest plea at a completely unreasonable ground.

    The month I faced an exam that ought to give me a break-free ticket out of my college, and by default I ought to ask for God’s extra help to bail me out. turns out I totally ruined it. My dad often urged me to try harder and put myself in the ‘deserving’ position apart from just asking for a blessing. So I almost totally neglect my prayers because I was sloppy and lazy and never studied, ’cause no prayers would help me if I’d never help myself.

   But this time, I was practically begging for something I wanted so badly when in my own heart I know it so clearly that I do not deserve it, not one bit. So I asked.

   43 days from then on, I still stand at this lowlife of a position, failure for a tag, rebuke for a reward and shame for a crown. The sinner in me would very much like me to scream out and curse at my Father. But the better in me is chanting for something else, and I followed suit. Even though i cannot fully calm the frustration in me, I am glad I have made this far, without much of bad action. And it all started when I finally say, “No matter what I know You are capable of, and despite what You let happen to me, I will do what is right and will only try to love You more, God.”

    At the alter, I will lay me down; my past, my present, my future. I acknowledge my limits, I confess my worthlessness, and I will be as meek as I understand what meek is.

    At the altar, I will seek only You.

Agape 3

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   What greater love than for a man to lay his life down for his friend? I am a friend of God.

   For a while now, life seems to oscillate between issues of unanswered love and love unattended to, the repetitive question of ‘why’ and the preceding realization of ‘oh my’. Every question of ‘why’ automatically answering itself with ‘neither did you’ precedes a stage of complete silence, defeat and humility. Debatable on either side of the argument, all the while standing strong in its own place – a clash of powerful emotions is what defines it.

   Such a war brew within the self, throwing one in a thought spasm leading to emotional convulsions – fits that disable the mind for clarity. In the end, you’d end up saying ‘I don’t even know what I am feeling anymore’. What better option than the incapable human being to simply shut down in desperation, running out of efforts and emotional energy to go on. Still the more amazing when you discover that emotional exhaustion drains the body much more than physical exertion does.

   That is when one arrives at a null point of the self. Much more than the hurt, the stress, the exhaustion and the frustration from an external blight the realization of the limitation of the self takes a greater toll. When for all the good reasons you were told to be strong, confident and able, to experience such a ruthless deflation of the self-esteem is simply obliterating and agonizing. Then follows the feeling of falling into a deep abyss of desperation, faithlessness and forlorn.

   But there is hope.

   Because there is love, the amount of which no human heart can contain, the ways of which no human life can pursue, the grace of which no human mind can imagine. And it all gets better: this love is free, nevertheless at the cost of divine blood, and simply to be received under conditions however all too petite in comparison to the value of this gift. Such is the love of God.

   ‘Priceless’ would be the word that best comes to might at the very thought of this. One could take its vocabulary meaning two ways: one that defines it as something that cannot be bought by any kind of money irrespective of the amount, and the other that defines it as free of cost. Priceless!

   The love of God is such that you can do all that man could possibly be capable of and beyond, but come to a point not even close to deserving it. It cannot be earned, nor bought, nor traded for there is nothing worthy enough on the other side of the equation. This is one apposite condition where the word ‘impossible’ can be utilized in all its meaning. But the love of God has been offered freely, not just offered, but freely given! Should you sleep, wake, walk, talk, work, and take, throw, knowing or oblivious – the love of God remains, free and tending to us every blinking and unblinking second of our lives. Simply priceless!

   So what are we still waiting for? Who wants not to be loved? Are we not everyday yearning for love – Living for the cause of love, aching in the name of love, sacrificing for the sake of love, hoping to be loved? It doesn’t get any better than this: it also gives eternal life.

   For God so loved the world He had created, that He had given His only begotten Son to die for its salvation; and whosoever believe in His Son shall not perish but gains everlasting life.