Stages of Grief: 1. Denial

denial2

   I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. This is not  happening to me. It was barely two months and you can’t change your mind too soon. It was only during our second last conversation you said about your comfy zone and I was already thinking along that line. Most relationship ends when both sides got no fighting cause; you didn’t even give me a fighting chance! Any kind of feelings can’t end too soon. It could get deteriorated and finally disappear, but not like this; not overnight.

   I refuse to believe that I am nothing to you. I refuse to belief that all those times were of nothing to you, that you don’t remember the good times; that you’re not affected by the affections we had. Please do not make me remind you that it was you who noticed me.

   It was you who took note of me in my apron with a small stethoscope heading towards the out-patient department that fateful morning, and I was looking at nobody and noticed no one around me. It wasn’t me who was responsible for whatever happened after I accepted that stupid friend request. It wasn’t me who was determined to get me. I never had so much peace, confidence and yet now a breakdown in my life. I never knew I could be so loved, I never knew I could be so rejected by the same.

   What did I do wrong? Where is my mistake? When did I provoke you? Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Or was it something I did not? Was it me? Was it the way I talk? Was it the way I walk? Did I not smile enough? Did I laugh too much? Had I not given you enough attention? Did I neglect you? Was it my busy schedule? Was it my livelihood? Was it my job? Was it my family? Was it just me? Where did I go wrong?

   I believed everything you said, from what you said when you claimed to be busy to the times when you just don’t feel like chatting. And I understand; I force myself to even when I don’t. I trusted you, except when you told me you wanted to wrap things up. My system could just not register that final piece of information. I found it hard to believe you loved me, and now I find it hard to believe that you don’t.

   I refuse to talk myself into thinking that you are a  scumbag, a good-for-nothing bitch who went in and goes out heartlessly. I have nothing but good thoughts of you; I did, and is still doing it. But that is the exact thing that drives me insane. You see, what I thought of you, and what you’re making of me just doesn’t add up.

   I do not want to label this as love because it is just one-sided now, yet I can’t label it as fowl-play. I just can’t get myself to thinking that you are as heartless as it seems to appear. You are but a cruel angel to my hollowed heart.

Dated 12 August 2014
0017 hours

You

   What is this that keeps me holding on even though I do know so clearly that nothing good would ever come out of it? What is this that made me make myself so miserable even though there is no reward for the misery no matter how harsh I am upon myself? Why am I in such denial when the obvious is staring at me at point blank range?

   Why do I keep wearing it when I know so clearly that it’s never going to bring you back? After all, it is just a metallic cylindrical material that encircles one of my fingers which without you have no meaning at all; no meaning, no life, no purpose, just a cold, solid metal and a painful reminder of how much I miss you.

   I do not understand a thing about what in the world is happened. The more I think about it, the deeper my confusion goes. I kept telling myself I’m going to be fine, the next moment I realized I kept lying to myself  then and there, every single moment. Why is it that I can’t kill this false  hope hoping that you would just come back? Something is definitely wrong with  me.

   The best way I can describe, is that my mind knows that you left me in the  most cold-hearted manner, but my heart completely and repeatedly denies that. I  let it play through my head so many, many, many, many times but it just doesn’t register;  I am incapable of accepting the fact that you are no different.

   I miss so many things in life. I miss that smile, the  confidence, I miss having someone out there who misses me the same as I do. I miss  that regular good-night kiss that never gets boring, I miss waking up in the  morning and the first thing I see would be a text message, not just any text  message but your text message.

   I have never seen a smile as beautiful as that  smile, just thinking about it now makes me happy and sad at the same time. Who would  believe that you would change your mind knowing the way you used to clung on to me? Who  would have even guessed that? But it still happened, and I’m still in denial.

   It’s almost three months now, and here I am, still as  miserable as ever. Sometimes I wish that if only I get to get you to talk, at  the same time I’m freaking scared that that might happen; and then I thought it’s  so stupid to ever have that kind of thought in my head because neither is going  to happen even if it’s the end of the world!

   I have never been so loved, and at  the same time so rejected as did by you.