What is this that keeps me holding on even though I do know so clearly that nothing good would ever come out of it? What is this that made me make myself so miserable even though there is no reward for the misery no matter how harsh I am upon myself? Why am I in such denial when the obvious is staring at me at point blank range?
Why do I keep wearing it when I know so clearly that it’s never going to bring you back? After all, it is just a metallic cylindrical material that encircles one of my fingers which without you have no meaning at all; no meaning, no life, no purpose, just a cold, solid metal and a painful reminder of how much I miss you.
I do not understand a thing about what in the world is happened. The more I think about it, the deeper my confusion goes. I kept telling myself I’m going to be fine, the next moment I realized I kept lying to myself then and there, every single moment. Why is it that I can’t kill this false hope hoping that you would just come back? Something is definitely wrong with me.
The best way I can describe, is that my mind knows that you left me in the most cold-hearted manner, but my heart completely and repeatedly denies that. I let it play through my head so many, many, many, many times but it just doesn’t register; I am incapable of accepting the fact that you are no different.
I miss so many things in life. I miss that smile, the confidence, I miss having someone out there who misses me the same as I do. I miss that regular good-night kiss that never gets boring, I miss waking up in the morning and the first thing I see would be a text message, not just any text message but your text message.
I have never seen a smile as beautiful as that smile, just thinking about it now makes me happy and sad at the same time. Who would believe that you would change your mind knowing the way you used to clung on to me? Who would have even guessed that? But it still happened, and I’m still in denial.
It’s almost three months now, and here I am, still as miserable as ever. Sometimes I wish that if only I get to get you to talk, at the same time I’m freaking scared that that might happen; and then I thought it’s so stupid to ever have that kind of thought in my head because neither is going to happen even if it’s the end of the world!
I have never been so loved, and at the same time so rejected as did by you.