Nineteen

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  Nineteen… NINETEEN! It keeps on ringing in my head, NINETEEN! NINETEEN! And I just can’t think straight anymore. My mind keeps on going in circles, round and round to the times that had been wild and passionate, stupid in its entire meaning, deep and meaningless; yet it meant everything to me, still does. Such silly date that comes twelve times a year, and the same old silly me that’s gonna be crazy for the next twelve times in the year to come; nineteen, nineteen. Let me at least do justice to this day and jot down something, for it is special, has been, always will be.

   Sleepless nights during exam time, not something new to me, no surprise there; and as I lay awake, only hours between the dawn that’s waiting with the professors to drill me in the hospital I couldn’t help recalling how I spent the recent week that passed me by. First thing I noticed a hungry, growling tummy. Yes, I have one insatiable stomach that says “Feed me! Feed me!” even after a feast of a dinner. Then my studies took over. I have wasted every countable second, in the last moment flipped my humungous books in frenzy, tried to shove everything in at one go till I felt dizzy with too much knowledge, and then got mixed up so bad that I don’t know what’s head or tail anymore!

   I never forget to pray during exam time, I doubt no one will. Every religion, every ethnic; me being a Christian almost find it surprising to see a Hindu girl whispering prayer with the question paper sandwiched between folded hands on her table in the exam hall. I had to do a double reminder that everyone prays, not only Christians. But twenty years of the same old ordeal starts to get into my head: I never missed a single prayer during exams, but i never did a single prayer out of it. That’s when I start to think, my efforts are bare minimum and here I am, begging on bended knees for help I wouldn’t even toil for. Where’s the grace in that? I had had more than enough time and resources, to do my part, and also the health and opportunity to give my best. But what I just displayed is an exact opposite of effort.

   That’s when I started to think that even God would not be eager to help such sloth, matter of fact He’d despise it; all the more reason to because I happen to live so badly. Yes, I couldn’t have any complains at all and wouldn’t even dare to because I haven’t played my part, I haven’t done my homework. So there even was a time when I just waved it off saying “God, I know how much I deserve, may Your will be done”, and God willing or not I do not know, that year I failed like the failure I was. It was still a bad encounter though, with all the blames and rebukes from a well-mouthed guardian.

   But one night, or should I put it as one fateful night, undergoing the same old pre-exam insomniac situation, something new came into my mind. If someone happen to pass me by, could be anyone out of the blue, asks for my help; and if it is within my power and ability to help that person, would I do it? And my mind starts to race back to different encounters at varying times in the past. Be it a complete stranger, someone I barely knew, someone I’ve known from somewhere, someone closer, someone very close, someone I dislike, even my enemy (provided I have one, though of which I currently cannot recall any); if anyone at all comes to me, begging for help, would I?

   And my answer was, and still is: Yes! I definitely would! In the past, I had too! It doesn’t matter if that person is useful or useless to me, doesn’t matter if he/she is good or bad, doesn’t matter if close or distant, it doesn’t matter be it profitable or not, I surely would help, as have I did.

   Then it strikes me, if I, a mere human being, lesser than most human being, have a heart to help someone irrespective of the situation or of the relationship I have with the person in need and well within my power and ability; God, the Almighty, the Omnipotent, the maker of heaven and earth, the Counsellor, the Merciful, the Wonderful, the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the Alpha and Omega would sure have not just a heart but the complete compassion and the perfect love to help if only I should ask, regardless of any condition and irrespective of any situation. If I, the least of all my fellowmen have a heart to respond to a plea, how much more would my Father to whatever I need ask of Him?

19 December 2013

 
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