At the altar

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   2130 hours December 2011. As I was sitting there among the many crowds, waiting for the year to end, waiting for the last moment before God for the last time this year; I was numb-struck about what I’d say, what I’d pray for, altogether being grateful for the past 364 days, grateful for the 365th day. Shameful for the errs, grateful for the blessings, and surprisingly calm as ever.

    Then came the Altar Service, the call for the congregation to have one last prayer, and I waiting for few among the sudden mass of crowd that rushed forwards to finish their prayers. My thoughts for prayer were mostly focused on the many blessings that I received during the year, and one, a plea. An earnest plea at a completely unreasonable ground.

    The month I faced an exam that ought to give me a break-free ticket out of my college, and by default I ought to ask for God’s extra help to bail me out. turns out I totally ruined it. My dad often urged me to try harder and put myself in the ‘deserving’ position apart from just asking for a blessing. So I almost totally neglect my prayers because I was sloppy and lazy and never studied, ’cause no prayers would help me if I’d never help myself.

   But this time, I was practically begging for something I wanted so badly when in my own heart I know it so clearly that I do not deserve it, not one bit. So I asked.

   43 days from then on, I still stand at this lowlife of a position, failure for a tag, rebuke for a reward and shame for a crown. The sinner in me would very much like me to scream out and curse at my Father. But the better in me is chanting for something else, and I followed suit. Even though i cannot fully calm the frustration in me, I am glad I have made this far, without much of bad action. And it all started when I finally say, “No matter what I know You are capable of, and despite what You let happen to me, I will do what is right and will only try to love You more, God.”

    At the alter, I will lay me down; my past, my present, my future. I acknowledge my limits, I confess my worthlessness, and I will be as meek as I understand what meek is.

    At the altar, I will seek only You.

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