The call of my life

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It started out as a feeling…

   I remember back when I was in my HS, the first time I get to stay in a hostel. Naughty as I was, I used to sneak out at night just to chat over the internet; and just to make everything according to plan there was this one cyber cafe that opens really late at night. I’m not about to say whether it was someone over the internet or someone in that cafe but I’m going to say this: that that was where the feeling started; in the corner of my mind I know that I had feelings. But I was extremely introvert then, so I suppressed almost everything I can possibly feel and I kept it to no further than a casual friendship. And I daresay I was good at that. I guess you could say I was in full control of my actions and feelings, but this was all to change very soon.

 

Which then grew into a hope…

   Hope is like a small burning candle in the darkest time of the night, feebly burning yet ever burning. Hope is what keeps us going even when we find no other good reason to go on. Even though I completely denied myself of the feelings I had, in the deepest corner of my thoughts I wanted to be close: thus the friendship that followed.

 

Which then turned into a quiet thought…

   Have you ever felt really good inside when someone you admire talks to you? For me, I’d say it’s a bitter sweet symphony; feels so good for having a little attention, to know that you are noticed, to know that you are known; yet feels so bad because no one else knows. It’s a feeling that I chose to hide it inside, a quiet thought.

 

Which then turned into a quiet word…

   Word, words, expression of the thought, spoken, communicated; understood by few, ignored by more, and unnoticed by most. Quiet are the words that I kept in my heart, silent are my expressions, still is my motion, fear ruled it all: fear of rejection, fear of knowledge, fear of exposure, fear of loss; a total binding fear. Quiet thoughts only followed by quiet words.

 

And then that word grew louder and louder ’til it was a battle cry…

   How much, or how long can you keep an elated heart from beating the way it wants to? How long can you deny a loving heart, a feeling heart from getting its way? At times, days and months go by without giving it a thought, but every once in a while it gets back. Every once in a while the heart grows stronger, and so does the feelings. Sometimes a whole span of time goes by worrying about something else or the other. But it always comes back to me, and each time it grew stronger than ever; it grew stronger and stronger ’til I thought I would give in ultimately.

 

I’ll come back when you call me, no need to say goodbye…

 

Just because everything’s changing doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before…

   Life goes on. Changes happen. People move from places to places. And it’s almost a habit now for me to see new places, even though it would last only for a short while, and the stay as unpredictable as ever. Higher studies require one to move on to higher places. One’s mind starts to slowly move onto newer thoughts. An amazing character is one that can keep on remembering from unbelievable distances. Give or take credit to the internet: you’d thought that you met the one you want to love, when the one that really cares is just staring at you, right in front of you. A single move, a simple yes, an inexperienced heart, an innocent notion can sometimes, well, most of the time, lead you astray. It is just amazing that one can metamorphose into something completely different, be it into something better or something worse. When friendship turns into a scary relationship because of another relationship, when you think that you won’t be able to look into a friend’s eyes anymore, when you think that you lost your truest love for worse; turns out the best thing that can ever happen could be over a simple kiss, playful by notion, which still sends chills through and through every time you think back about it. And it turns out, just because everything changes, doesn’t mean it’s never been that way before, doesn’t mean things could not get better still; because it just got better.

 

All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war…

   Life is a constant battle against corruption; corruption of the soul, corruption of the mind, corruption of your dignity, corruption in all sense. It is an endless war of the boy, mind and soul against the adversaries of this world. It is important to know which side you fought on. When asked, I used to say, “I don’t care who’s a good friend, all I know is that I have to be a good friend first”. How can I expect good things from others when I’m no good? But then, that’s not enough. Life is also like barter; no one gives alone, no one takes alone; it is a life of give and take. I can’t be good alone; neither can I be totally bad. So, I guess in a way, all I can do is try to know who my true friends are in this hell of a world; then maybe I can help create a little heaven for everyone.

 

Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light…

   Everyone needs a guide, someone to look up to, someone to be there when the darkness comes. It is a star that let the magi to their king. We all need a star to guide us in the darkness of the night; a shining beam of hope that pierces even through the darkest times of life. Follow that light, and it will deliver you. Friends, family, loved ones; we are not independent in our truest form, we depend on each other for love, friendship, care, warmth, sustenance of life, health and it goes on. And I believe we all need someone to look up to, to share our deepest sorrows, someone who can dance and cry with us, someone who’ll always be there. For me, I guess I can say this: I have a guardian angel.

 

Now we’re back to the beginning, it’s just a feeling and no one knows yet…

   Funny I use to think when I start to look around and wonder where this life has taken me. Frankly, I’m back to square one! There was a time when I was hiding myself from the adversities of this world, when I was snug safe and warm in my own small world; a demon cloaked in white broke through in the most seemingly-charming way and I was suddenly out into the real world. All I can recall now is that everything went crazy, and after three years of struggle, it’s finally over. I was back in my small but safe world, wounded but healed, torn but mended. And now, I’m right where I started off; and this time, I’m going to make sure it’s good.

 

But just because they can’t feel it too doesn’t mean that you have to forget…

   I guess it comes down to this: Fear; fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of hurt, fear of hopelessness an fear of the unknown. Man is a social animal in his truest form. It is the knowledge and approval of our fellow beings that gives us satisfaction and confidence. We like to ‘connect’ with other people, we talk our problems out; when we talk our problems out what actually happens is that we get assurance from the fact that we do not carry the burden alone, and that knowledge alone helps us get through. We live by sympathizing with each other, comforting each other, at times rebuking but altogether helping. But just because it is not noticed doesn’t mean that it’s not there either. We, who in each of our own way unique and different, does not every time share the same thoughts with the rest of our fellow beings. At times we end up with things completely contrary to popular beliefs or accepted. Nevertheless, just because we beg to differ doesn’t mean that we should deny it; just because they can’t feel it too doesn’t mean that you have to forget.

 

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger ’til they’re before your eyes…

   No matter what the distance, no matter what the differences, no matter the history; it’s the acceptance and love that’s worth the most. One of the most valuable things anyone can say would be: “I know he/she got some not so nice past, but the present is the most important, and I love him/her no matter what.” Past is past; I guess it all depends on whether we decide to let our past cripple us or we learn from the past and lead a better life. Distance is troublesome; there are things you can’t express over the internet and over the phone. There are lots of chances that you might misunderstand each other, miscommunications are all too common. I can recall one such incident over which I got seriously depressed: and all that, for no good reason. I was glad and at the same time shameful to hear the true story. Bummer! But it is the faithfulness and dedication that counts for all the distance that separates one from a loved one. And it is the memories that we hold on to, no matter how fade they may become at times, that makes it all the more worthwhile when you finally get to meet, face to face, and all you can do is just smile and thank the heavens for taking away all the pain you have endured all those time!

 

I’ll come back when you call me, and You’ll come back when it’s over

No need to say good bye

 

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