Funny, I thought… But I cried a little



    Life at times can really be funny. And you get to realize it’s this funny only after being desperately serious for ‘just another lost cause’. The ability to live on one’s own, the happiness within the self, and the role of others in one’s life can be all so very confusing. But it is the quiet after the storm that perpetuates one’s thoughts into that silent moment when you get to think things through and finally understand at least half of what really revolves around.

    Man by nature is ever seeking company; the pleasure of friendships, the faith of commitments, emotional stability and someone to hold. No one is to blame if for no reason one decided to give it all up even if it’s for ‘just another lost soul’. The way I want to look at it, give it all you got: If you are disappointed, it’s not your fault, it’s just that the ‘lost soul’ is dumb enough to disappoint you; if you succeed, you deserved it.

   Beyond all these, one thing remains which we all cannot afford to ignore: our original state of being. There was a time when there were no attachments, no bonds, no feelings inappropriate, no hurt, no pain and no disappointment. As we grow up, we chose a path where we gave our hearts away. Then altogether you’d start to feel lonesome, melancholic and in need. ‘I miss you’ messages frequent our texts, neediness takes over and we start to lose control.

   But where were you for the last 20 years? You’re there, alone but not lonesome, melancholic but for your family only, in need but not for that selfish harlot who doesn’t give a damn about how you feel. Sitting here and thinking back, 20 years ago, I was my own life and I did not know what ‘butterflies in stomach’ or ‘heartache’ or ‘lover’ meant; but I was content as ever, I was invincible!

   So now, why am I missing someone who is actually just another being? Why does it hurt when there’s no reply? Why did I neglect my family for ‘just another lost cause’? Why am I complaining about getting rejected when I myself reject a whole lot more? Why prioritization has become such a struggle? This is all so pointless! At times, funny!

   And beyond all those struggles and confusions and hurts, when finally you’re exhausted by defeat, when the storm died down in you; that’s when you get to think it through clearly and slowly, and that’s when I finally came to a conclusion: though pointless as it may be, call me crazy, call me insane, no matter how stupid the decision may be, it’s this one perfect emotion that gave sense to it all: Love.

   The decision to stay strong, the ability to let go, the strength to go on, the heart to help in any situation, the certainty of a good deed, the availability for company, the endurance of friendship, the grace to forgive over and over again, the will to sacrifice, and it goes on and on. Regardless of the disaffection, ingratitude and ill-will possessed by the other, it is the absolute state of being self that matters most no matter what the loss and consequences.


2 thoughts on “Funny, I thought… But I cried a little

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s