The Self, Part 3



   Funny, simply hilarious; that is how you start to feel when you think of how you’ve handled the past. That mindset, such strong determination you’d held on ever so tightly if not in the end for the love anymore but simply for the sake of personal stability. If you ask me, I’d say it’s another form of pride but a good one this time. It could all be just another form of reliability you’d want others to think you exhibit in life. But undeniable is the fact that nothing in this world really is invulnerable. It could have seemed to be able to last ages, but one small stroke in the right place could bring it down to rubbles.

   However, I’d like to think it as another journey. A voyage in the vast ocean of life’s mystery where you take up a ship, wrecked at some point, and the choice you make whether to drown with your now wrecked ship or find another and resume life. I guess it makes an excellent connotation to have rightly termed it relation-‘ship’, friend-‘ship’ and maybe some other ‘ships’ you’d probably journeyed on.

   Relationships come and go. Some are just flings; some does not even bother you to start or end with, while a few are serious and wrecks you beyond your comprehension when it had to end for one painful reason or the other. I’ve had my wrecks, the kinds that spill over your emotional and even corporeal well-being. After all, the body is really just a vessel for the soul which is but the essence of our lives; destroy the soul and the body is useless.

   Undeniably, everyone is responsible for his/her own fate. And surprisingly it is always a choice. You could retort with all you can, screaming “This is not what I wanted, I didn’t opt for this!” But then, it has always been your decision in the first place. And the wisdom to envisage the various possible outcomes and consequences of a decision whatsoever is merely an individual issue. So, to top it all, there is no one else to blame but the self. And my first lesson was to accept the consequences of my decision and take not just parts but full responsibility for it. Everyone is, in the truest sense, responsible for just about anything that happened or is happening to him/her.

   So I had had bad times, hard times, hurtful times and woeful times. I had squirmed in agony, had my heart broken, stranded, strayed, deserted, disappointed and everything bad that follows. But, above all that had transpired I consented to the aftermath of my decisions and responsibility over every affair. If I was hurt, that is my fault; if I was content, my success. No one really matters because in the beginning was my choice.

   In the recent past, I gave my commitment to a hoggish, egocentric, inconsiderate, unscrupulous, abhorrent, indecent, nefarious, decadent, sleazy, dissipated and completely debauched blob of a loser prima donna who obviously lumps the law of the jungle. So what? Should I abscond and pass the blame on? No, not in the slightest! I take full credit and full blame for the wretched state I got myself into. All I know is that I was good – very, very good. I was, if not perfect, extremely close to being the perfect mate. But my efforts and sacrifices were denied of their goodness and instead got conned, duped, and fiddled with by a degenerate subhuman.

   So now, as I take full responsibility for my agony, I cannot help conclude that I chose a con artist, an emotional arsonist, a pretender of the highest order. And even though I would be more than glad to help, I cannot change the fact that each and every person chose his/her own path and no one can or should give a crow’s poop about it. If you reject the love you are being offered, then just suffer because you are not just a fool but an asinine daft imp.

   As for me, I have learned my lesson. I will not let this heartbreak pull me down into the abyss like a pathetic loser. Instead, I will make use of the wonderful lessons I have learned as I swam to a new ship on this ocean. I will skillfully execute the maneuvers to swerve through the waves, tides and storms of life upon the dark, untamed waters. I will not let maelstroms rock this vessel to pieces, nor will I let it rip apart.

   In simple words, I will make use of the past experience to nurture this new found love into something more beautiful, more blissful and more enchanted than ever before. My weakened arms have now regained its strength, stronger than ever to hold my dear one in security, safety, love and comfort. If you ask me again I will say: “What better love than one that appreciates you for all the love you are willing to give?”

   The Call of my Life turns out to be a call for improvement, a bitter realization of what my friend really was like, and a turning point for me as I start afresh. I do not regret any of my past actions, I am content with the quality I have exhibited; in fact I choose to learn by my mistakes. I do not really care what happened to that drunkard who is now just another pitiful creature from the past. All I care about, all that matters now and all that I am willing to think about is this new ship I have started to set sail on. And with the elements on my side: favorable wind, aiding current and boundless joy; I shall not let such frivolous past get the better of me but I will instead take the better of past experiences, learn to live and love greater than I ever had.


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